Video Transcript
There are 8 types of affairs, and it?s incredibly important to know which kind your partner has had because that will give you a good idea of how to deal with the problem and also it will tell you whether you should stay, or whether you should go.
The first kind of affair is called the accidental affair.
Now there are people who will actually say ?I didn?t mean to have an affair,? and they will sort of think that that excuses it which of course it doesn?t, but it?s actually very helpful to know that piece of information, because it?s perfectly possible to start off with a supportive relationship with a colleague at work, but unfortunately, those sort of secrets and talking about your problems can actually build a very close bond, which can without really meaning to, tip over into something even more personal.
And if you have a long term problem in your relationship, that can tip over into an accidental affair.
I think you have to be quite forgiving about an accidental affair or an emotional affair, an inappropriate relationship which is heading towards an affair, but hasn?t become one.? And I think that?s a kind of affair that you should definitely fight to save your relationship from.
The second kind of affair is a cry for help affair.
This normally happens when somebody thinks that they have actually done everything to try and make their relationship better.?There?s been a long term problem, and for some reason, they either haven?t communicated very well, or their partner hasn?t heard them.
They sort of feel that their relationship is hopeless; that they can?t actually make any impression on their partner and make them realize how unhappy they are.? That?s what a cry for help affair is.
Once again, I think you should try and save that relationship because I think these people, bizarrely enough, are trying to improve their relationship.? They?re just going about it in the most terrible way possible.
If you don?t deal with a cry for help affair, it can turn into the third kind of affair, which is the self-medication affair.? Now these are people who have a long term problem.
They might feel depressed, they might feel stuck in the wrong kind of job.? Now rather than actually solving the original problem, an affair and the excitement of it, and the dizziness and the adrenaline kick of it can actually make them feel better and they can think, ?Well, actually I can cope with the world if I have this affair.? I can cope with my job if I?m having a bit of nookie on the side.? It?s only for me.?
That?s once again not a very good reason to have an affair.? In fact, none of these reasons are good reason to have an affair, but I think that you should try and save the self-medication affair because, once again, if you can deal with the problem that needs self-medicating, you can actually help your relationship and move forward.
The fourth kind of affair is a Don Juan affair.
Now Don Juan is a character from classic Spanish literature who has slept with basically everybody you could possibly imagine and probably their sisters as well.
They?re the sort of person you actually wouldn?t trust the family dog with.? They are having affairs with absolutely everybody.
Now, bizarrely enough, actually the partners of Don Juan affair people are often incredibly forgiving because there is probably a very passionate relationship and sometimes the making up can sort of keep them hooked into this relationship.
So bizarrely enough, although most people would think, ?Please, don?t stay with somebody who?s having a Don Juan affair,? unfortunately a lot of people do and if you?ve actually found that your partner is a serial adulterer please do think very carefully about trying to save that relationship, because you could actually be much happier and a much healthier person if you said goodbye to that relationship.
The fifth kind of affair is what I call a tripod relationship.
Now if you think of a tripod, it has three legs to it and it?s one of the strongest structures, a triangle and engineers use triangles in things like bridges, they can take a huge amount of weight.? And this is what?s sort of happening in a tripod affair.
These are long term affairs where there?s a mistress, typically a wife and a man, although you can have two men and a woman in a tripod affair.
And these have possibly been going on for years and effectively, the man wants a close relationship, but he?s a little bit worried about if he gets too close.? So if there?s a problem in his marriage, he can disappear off to his affair.? If the affair gets too serious, he can say, ?Oh no, I can?t possibly leave my wife because the children need me and she can rush back.?
These tripod affairs go on for a very long time and they are serious.? They very seldom tip over into an affair that the person who?s having the affair leaves their partner for.? You have to think very carefully about a tripod affair, trying to save it, trying to save your relationship, but I think it can be saved.
The next kind of affair, and each one as you can see, we?re beginning to get into a more difficult, more complex situation, is the retaliatory affair.? You have an affair.? You hurt me.? And I say, ?Well, blow you, I?m going to have an affair just to show how much things hurt.?
Now on one level, you can sort of understand that, but actually it?s a bit like trying to negotiate with your partner by putting petrol over them and setting a match.
You get their attention, but it?s a pretty destructive thing to do.? And actually you end up hurting yourself as much as you end up hurting your partner.
If you?re getting into the retaliatory affair area, your relationship is in serious problems.? But at least both of you are focused on trying to change the situation, even in a very destructive way.
So once again, I personally would try and save retaliatory affair.? I have saved many people in this situation, so all is not lost, but we really are heading into the serious territory now.
Number 7 is the exploratory affair.? Now these can be on one level, terribly harmless because somebody thinks, ?Is there a better world out there?? Is the grass greener on the other side of the road??
And they can have a look and they can actually realize the outside world is not such a wonderful place, that affairs and being single is actually rather lonely and scary, and they can come rushing back and actually it can be the beginning of some healing in the central relationship.
It can also be the very beginning of the end of the relationship.? Somebody can look outside and they can find, ?Actually there are a lot of people out there who I could have a very good relationship with,? so this is one where really it depends very much on the personal circumstances of your relationship.
This is one you shouldn?t rush into making a decision too quickly.? Ask lots of questions, think very hard about deciding whether you?re going to try and save this relationship or not.
The eighth kind of affair and the most serious one, is the exit affair.
These are relationships that are all over bar the shouting, and rather than actually say to somebody, ?I?m terribly sorry, this relationship isn?t working.? Let?s end it in a civilized kind of way,? once again, this is negotiation through a loud hailer and they actually go off with somebody else and say, ?Yeah, boo, sucks to you.?
And that is an incredibly hurtful way to end a relationship.? And I think if your partner is actually having an exit affair, the harder you push to try and save the relationship, the more you?re going to end up hurting yourself.? so think very carefully before you try and save an exit affair.
But if you are determined, I have strategies in my book that will help you with that.
In my book, How Can I Ever Trust You Again?, for each of these 8 types of affairs, I?ve got at least 8 indicators that will tell you which kind of affair your partner is having.
So I have to say in this care, read the book, think very carefully, speak to your partner, and I think once you?ve actually understood the kind of affairs, 9 times out of 10 it will be very obvious which kind of affair you?ve got.
About the author
Andrew G. Marshall is a marital therapist.
He trained with RELATE the UK?s largest couple counselling charity and?has almost thirty years of experience working with couples and?individuals looking for love.
He writes for Mail on Sunday and Psychologies magazine and runs a?private clinic in London and Sussex with two associate therapists who?also offer the Marshall Method.
Related posts:
- How Do Affairs Start
- What to Tolerate in Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs
- 8 Myths and Facts of Infidelity and Affairs
- How Do Affairs Begin?
- Affairs 101 By Peggy Vaughan
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